Three gentle ways to turn from criticism to self-compassion

As I have transitioned my work from consultancy to coaching, the voice of my inner-critic has been loud. Rather than clients turning to me for my knowledge, experience and answers, coaching is a place where I help people explore possibilities and find the answers for themselves. My inner-critic has all sorts of things to say about that!

I’m deeply committed to being as impactful as I can through my work and to building a thriving coaching practice. This desire hopefully translates into positive outcomes for my clients but it also means thinking carefully about how to avoid letting perfectionism hold me back and how to stop being quite so self-critical of myself as a business owner.

The urge to criticise ourselves when things go wrong and blame everything on our shortcomings is very human. But actively and intentionally treating yourself with kindness can be a much better route to changing how you think and feel and what you create and do.

What is self-compassion?

Dr Kristen Neff, psychology professor and author, identifies three key components to self-compassion:

• Self-kindness – being gentle and understanding of yourself.

• Common humanity – feeling connected to others in your experiences.

• Mindfulness – holding your experiences in balanced awareness.

Why self-compassion matters

It’s hard to be self-critical and self-compassionate at the same time. Many of us have an automatic response to judge ourselves but keeping that critical voice alive is challenging if we intentionally bring in more compassion for ourselves.

Not only does self-compassion combat low mood and low self-worth, but it also helps us build courage and resilience. It can transform our mental and emotional reality, which in turn can impact our actions and outcomes. This isn’t about productivity - though that might be a welcome upshot - it’s about health and happiness.

Why we might resist self-compassion

There are lots of reasons that self-compassion might feel sticky or uncomfortable.

• We haven’t been taught to value compassion. It isn’t something our culture has embraced and we don’t often see it modelled by those around us. So, it makes perfect sense that being kind to ourselves might not come easily.

• We don’t understand its importance or we have thoughts and feelings about what it means. We can confuse self-compassion with self-pity or self-indulgence as if we’re somehow letting ourselves off the hook by being kind to ourselves.

• We aren’t practised at it. Compassion is probably a skill you’re already pretty good at but perhaps you haven’t directed it to yourself. It’s a practice that requires intention and you’ll need to experiment with it to see what works for you and to help it become a more automatic response.

Self-compassion and the self-employed

I’m fortunate to work with some brilliant freelancers and business owners and I’ve noticed that we all tend to have pretty high expectations of ourselves. We set the bar high because we care about what we do and the quality of our work matters to us.

We often work alone and so we internalise the critical voice of others. We can judge our work as not good enough or leap to the idea that maybe we are not good enough.

And when we do have the opportunity to work with others, we tend to compare ourselves and our work. That’s natural and inevitable but it isn’t always helpful.

We think we need to rely on self-criticism to fuel our achievements; if we stop being hard on ourselves, we’ll lose our edge or our drive. We think our accomplishments result from self-criticism and judgement when the opposite is true. We’re successful despite it. The conditions for success are compassion and courage.

Three gentle ways to grow your self-compassion.

 1. Practice talking to yourself like a good friend.

First, think about the times when a good friend feels really down about themselves or is struggling in some way. Think about what you would say to this friend about this tricky situation.

Now think about times when you feel the same way. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations?

Do you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors come into play that mean you to treat yourself and others so differently?

Feel the difference between a compassionate and critical response, and choose how you speak to yourself.

2. Write your way to self-compassion.

What typically triggers your inner critic? Everyone has something about themselves that causes them to feel insecure or not good enough. Being a human is messy and imperfect, and feelings of failure are part of that experience.

Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally accepting and kind. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and weaknesses, including the aspect of yourself you have just been thinking about.

Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend. What would they write to remind you that you are only human, and that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? If you think this friend would suggest possible changes you could make, how would these suggestions be offered with understanding and compassion?

3. Supportive touch

One way to care for and comfort yourself when feeling criticised or judged is to offer yourself supportive touch. Touch activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helps us calm down and reminds us we are safe. It may feel awkward if your body isn’t used to it but it will still respond to warmth and care.

Gently place your hand over your heart and feel the gentle pressure and warmth of your hand. Try placing both hands on your chest and notice the difference between one and two hands. Notice your breathing and how your body responds and softens in the knowledge that you're supported.

If you’re in the company of others, there are subtle ways of doing this – cross your arms and give them a gentle squeeze or cup one hand in the other in your lap.

As I have pivoted my business, there have been moments where I’ve fallen back into old habits of being hard on myself. But showing self-compassion has been a healthier and happier way to help myself create change.

Where could you bring a little more self-compassion into your work today? How could you show yourself a little more kindness?