Embracing the messiness on the path to your dreams and goals
Six years ago, I decided to leave the corporate world and become self-employed. Having my two boys shifted how I viewed my career and helped me see that there are other versions of success. I was still ambitious but for work which brought me more fun, freedom and fulfilment
After a lifetime of working towards other people’s visions, following my direction felt exciting and freeing. It felt tricky too and I found myself falling into protective patterns of overthinking and overworking to make sure I knew enough and was good enough to get things ‘right’.
When it comes to your dreams and goals – no matter how much you want them or how well-planned they might be – obstacles and setbacks are inevitable. This is a messy, imperfect and non-linear path!
So, how can you plan for them and support yourself through them?
Anticipate obstacles and setbacks.
Challenges hold learnings and opportunities to develop but that doesn’t mean they feel welcome or easy to navigate in the moment.
It can help, therefore, to anticipate the obstacles you might encounter in advance – to plan for what could go wrong and consider the choices you have available to you if they do. Do this when you’re feeling calm and grounded rather than when you’re feeling unsure or already experiencing self-doubt.
Perhaps it’s a ‘business problem’, which could be a challenge. Usually, these can be solved with knowledge, skills or processes. Where could you go to get help with a business problem?
Or perhaps it’s self-doubt that is likely to set you back?
Self-doubt is the part of your psyche which is looking for real or perceived psychological risks, like failure, success, judgement and rejection. And it will do everything possible to keep you safe.
Ask yourself where your self-doubt is likely to show up. What are your worries or fears?
Then consider what will help:
How can you encourage yourself that ‘good enough’ is great?
How can you support yourself if you get overwhelmed?
What would help you trust yourself to make a decision?
Self-doubt appears whenever we feel any sort of resistance to achieving our goals or being ourselves so, if ever there was a time for self-doubt to show up, this is it. When self-doubt arises, look back at your notes and tap into that calm, grounded wisdom.
2. Celebrate the wins
Negativity bias – our tendency to listen to, learn from and draw on negative rather than positive information – is why we’re more likely to remember or dwell on unpleasant events than favourable ones. And it’s why we’re more likely to listen to judgement or criticism than compliments.
By consciously directing your attention towards the things that you do well and that go well, you can begin to balance your negativity bias.
Start by savouring the positive moments. Take the time to drink in the happy thoughts, good feelings and pleasant sensations of a positive experience and use them to create memories for the future.
And if you have evidence of the win – appreciative words or a nice e-mail perhaps – file it away. This store of positivity can help you address the imbalance that negativity bias creates.
Then turn the savouring skill into a habit. Create a ritual at the end of each day or each week and take a moment to recall what went well.
3. Accept the wobbles – and yourself!
Self-acceptance means accepting yourself fully and unconditionally, regardless of what you do or don’t do and whether or not other people approve or respect you.
Mindfulness is a well-researched method for overcoming negativity bias. It helps us hold our emotions in awareness and to accept these thoughts and feelings without judgement.
What would happen if you could simply notice the wobble without getting sucked into your own stories about what it means?
You’re interested in learning from specific beliefs, behaviours and outcomes but you and your worthiness aren’t up for debate. You may make mistakes or mess up but that’s it. You are still valued and loved. You are still OK.
Find the lessons in the mistakes offer and move forwards. If you find this hard, lean on self-compassion [link to self-compassion blog. It’s hard to be critical of and kind to yourself at the same time.
Embracing the messiness is a muscle to build through practice. Approach the whole thing as an experiment (READ MORE). Be curious and hold it lightly.
